My apologies for not being on top of the bloggy world in the past month. Where I'm used to posting 10 posts a month at a minimum, last month, I believe 4 posts was my total. And if I'm being completely honest, my heart hurts. And I've found it hard to post.
So its my time. We are creeping up on the boys 1st birthday next month. We're planning for the Project E.L.I. Spina Bifida Documentary next month. And I'm planning for that dreaded 1-year mark of Eli's passing. Its all in the same week. And I'm feeling overwhelmed with emotions.
The best way I know how to describe it, well, every time I think about this full week of events, I feel like I can't breath.
My stomach hits the floor, I feel sick, and I can't breath. I don't want to remember all of those emotions, memories, thoughts again. Not that I don't do it everyday already. But something about those dates just turn my stomach. Is this what its like? Is this what it is going to be like every year for the rest of my life?
Ok, Mr. Grief, you can take it easy on this heart. She's been running all-year-long and has been fine. Maybe more like a rock. (I can call myself that since I come from a rock genetics. My mom = rock solid. And this is the first time in my life I've ever felt like one. The first time I've ever felt like I've had something in common with my mom. Mush-mellon Me is now Mush-rock. I still have the tendency to cry, but most days, I don't. I'm a rock. And rocks don't cry.)
Ok, back to Mr. Grief.
Mr. Grief, why take over this heart now? We've held our own all year long. We've continuously figured things out without seeking your services. And now? You want to kick in now? Is it their birthday? Or is this what every parent of a Angel faces this time of year? Whatever the case, please, oh please take it easy on this heart. Walker D needs an awesome 1st birthday. Momma needs a smile on her face. And everyone needs to know she's ok.
Mr. Grief, we have 2 parties to be planned. I have cakes to make. I have invitations to mail. Go away. I'm too busy for this. I'm choosing to celebrate and not sulk. They are both reasons to celebrate. Miracles are made to be celebrated. Let me celebrate!
Mr. Grief, God tells me in Micah 7:7-8 But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me. Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light. He does hear me. And because he's opened doors for me, because he shows his presence each time I begin to question and get down, I've been picked back up and assured that this purpose is that of his plan, not mine. And not yours. So go away.
Mr. Grief, you have made your presence very strong lately. Even the thought of August brings tears to these tired eyes. I know I have the potential to have the hardest cry of all at any moment. But no thanks, please, just take it easy on this half & half Momma. She's already confused as to what she's supposed to do. And how she's supposed to grieve. So tread nicely, ok?
I know you are a healthy, normal part of life, Mr. Grief. I know this is your job. I know you are supposed to do this. I didn't ask for this. I don't need this. But since you are around for the long-haul, surround me, my heart with friends who can grieve with me. Friends who will just understand and not judge. Friends who I may not know in person or friends that I don't see often, to just pray for me that week. Maybe their prayers will keep our grief in a positive light, like they have done all along.
We need our heads raised and our path in the right direction, like it has been this year. No turning back now. This is your new name: (Good) Grief. (Good) Grief will keep our eye on the prize. We are to do what is pleasing in HIS eyes. (Good) Grief, please light our world. Please keep us shielded in the rest of our earthly life from more hurt. And help us make the *right* decision as we talk about extending our family. Fear has eaten our lunch in that discussion alone. We can't go through that kind of hurt again.
(Good) Grief, you can stay around. Mr. Grief, stay home. I'm too busy to entertain you and your negative friends. We have celebrations to plan!
I'm a newly bereaved Momma who lost one of her twin sons this year. We're upcoming on our 1-year anniversary of their birthday and death date. Our blog, http://mcginleybabyjourney.
blogspot.com is the full blog of before and after it happened. There is a tab at the top of our blog "Our Story" that tells what happened. We are media advocates for ARORA and Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. Eli also has an upcoming documentary "Project E.L.I. Every Life Inspires, that was renamed after him after his passing that Arkansas Channel 7 KATV former anchor, Julie Mayberry, named after him. It is to be released next month.