My son Hayden is 3-years-old. Before my husband, Randy, and I had children we envisioned ourselves having 2 kids, two years a part. Obviously that hasn’t happened, and it isn’t going to. And that is by choice. It isn’t that we have been trying and have been unsuccessful. Trust me. We have not been trying.
The truth is that after having Hayden and actually experiencing motherhood, I realized I couldn’t do it: have two little ones so close together in age. My disposition doesn’t seem to fit with that family composition, at least from my point of view.
I decided that I needed more time. I needed Hayden to be older… and so we have waited. I feel like I am almost ready, but not quite. I’m just not in a good place to have another baby. Maybe I will be there in a few months. Maybe I won’t, but hopefully I will.
My sweet husband is getting antsy though. He seems to be getting a bit uncomfortable with the obvious gap in age separation that will exist between Hayden and this theoretical “baby #2.”
And while I do see his point and agree that the gap is getting bigger (by the day), this isn’t something I can compromise on.
I am just not ready to have another baby right now.
Here is my “problem” though… I feel guilty for feeling this way. I feel guilty for not being ready to have another child.
And I admit that I too worry about the age gap that is inevitably going to exist between Hayden and his supposed sibling.
I worry that I’ll never feel ready. I worry that I won’t be able to handle being a mother to two children. I worry that we won’t have enough space. I worry that we won’t have enough money. I just worry.
But at the end of the day, I know that it will work out as it is intended. And for poor Randy’s sake, hopefully things will come to fruition soon.
Melissa Melner's blog is My Life and How It's Going